As an addendum to the tale of hurt feelings from last week, I have yet another cultural point to make. This weekend, I was recounting my story of publicly calling out a woman for poor behaviour to another beautiful woman of my acquaintance. She was horrified. She demanded to know what gave me the right to embarrass someone in public as I had. I made some small effort to explain that once you are in public, you can be called out for poor behaviour, but my acquaintance would have none of it. She got hostile to the point that she demanded that I leave. I politely made my farewells and left, thoroughly dissappointed.
What gave me the right? First of all, we were in public. Your behaviour in public must adhere to certain standards. If you behave in an offensive manner, you should expect that someone will be offended. I was offended by the Queen Bee's callous treatment of her friend. Rather than whisper behind her back, or go to some "higher authority", as the petty grievance-mongers do, I addressed the issue head on. What gave me the right? Decisions are made by those who show up. I was present. That was right enough for me to speak my mind. I am an autonomous human being with the courage to speak my mind. Secondly, the fact that the Queen Bee was embarrassed does not make me the oppressor in this situation. If I had deliberately embarassed her out of a sense of malice by pointing out something not tied to her behaviour, then yes I would have been wrong. However, I was (in my own harsh way) pointing out that her behaviour was unacceptable. It's very simple; if you do not want to be embarrassed in public, do not behave in a manner that can lead to embarrassment. More bluntly put, if being called a bitch in public embarrasses you, don't be a bitch in public.
The larger cultural point is that we live in a society where pointing out the truth is seen as secondary to avoiding conflict. We don't mention the hypocrisy of the Muslim world (rioting over the murder of one Muslim woman in Germany, while remaining silent over the deaths of thousands of Muslims in Darfur)* because we don't want conflict. We refuse to admit that there are concrete biological differences between men and women, because we don't want to offend feminists. Criticism of a politician is deflected by accusing the critic of being bigoted toward the identity group to which the politician belongs (Sarah Palin, Barack Obama. Both sides are guilty). Society begins to decay when we become so hide-bound by unspoken rules that the truth cannot be said. Janet Napolitano's bizarre jargon regarding terrorism is case in point. Eventually, through linguistic obfuscation, the truth becomes unrecognizable. Refusing to talk about something doesn't make it go away; it aggravates the underlying problem.
In both my personal issue with the Queen Bee, and the wider cultural point, one can return to an old adage. All that is necessary for evil to succeed is that a good man do nothing. A refusal to speak out is not only a permissive cause, but a sufficient cause to bad behaviour. The Queen Bee abused her male friends because no one ever called her out for it. Muslims in the Arab street continue to riot at the drop of a hat because no one has the courage to publicly denounce them for it. The absurdities of the "culture wars" raging around Sarah Palin and President Obama carry on because no one has the nerve to stand up to the shrieking masses who cry "bigot".
Civility is to be prized. Courtesy is a fine treasure. Honesty trumps both.
*Tarek Fatah, as always, earns my respect for pointing out this hypocrisy in a decent article in the National Post. Despite the fact that his honesty earns him death threats from other Muslims, one must temper the respect with the acknowledgment that as a member of a protected identity group, Fatah has an easier time speaking the truth. To date, a Human Rights Commission has never seriously investigated a member of a visible minority.
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To begin, I have to say that I fully agree with what you have done, and the reactions of those in your environs are preposterous, if not entirely predictable. I suggest henceforth that you not tell the Queen Bee story in mixed company.
ReplyDeleteWomen are particularly attuned to social interactions, and understanding the subtle nuances that govern social structures and interactions serves them quite well. So well in fact that it colours their entire life experiences.
Failing to regognize and adhere to the unspoken rules has dire consqeuences. That's why women can never understand why we don't know why they're mad at us since it's obvious to them and every other woman. That's why that girl in our high school was a pariah for two years after admitting that she masturbated. It has been statistically demonstrated on more than one occasion that more than 85% of women masturbate. Doesn't matter. Break the rules and the tribe will shun you.
The stories about the Queen Bee and the subsequent one about your friend, seem to men to be fairly straightforward. Our experiences are coloured by logic and the logic is clear. Girl is rude to Orbiter, Morgan gives girl taste of own medicine, balance in universe restored. To us it's a tale of knocking down the snobby bourgeoisie in defense of the rights of the everyman, but to women that is not the case.
To women your story sounds like: Girl makes request of social inferior in her own entourage, Morgan violates rules of social interaction by elevating said inferior to the level of peer and ignores the social status of Girl. Morgan then refuses to restore the social hierarchy by making amends despite obvious social pressure.
The Queen Bee right now has likely finished the majority of damage-controlling the event. She spun the story such that you flew off the handle, then she turned to her orbiter and asked if she offended him, to which he of course replies that she could never do such a thing. Everyone is satisfied that you are the crazy one, but behind her back they will all secretly agree that she is a bitch. Of course they've done that anyway since she was five years old because she is and always has been one.
The conclusion a woman is most likely to draw from your story, no matter how you set it up or try to explain it, is that you have low social intuition and are therefore socially dangerous as you could just as easily embarass them at some point in the future. Social status means everything to girls who travel in packs and you are a loose cannon.
Of course, some girls will like your story and agree with you, but those women are likely to be low status women themselves, or otherwise women who travel outside the pack.
I don't make the rules, I'm just the guy who says them out loud.